A digital commonplace for a Regular Guy called Charlie Pharis

Category: Funnies (page 1 of 1)

How to Pick a Champion

UPDATE: With about 4 minutes left in the third quarter of the Rose Bowl, Oregon leads FSU 39-20. I wrote this post before game time. They still have the ugliest uniforms in all of college football, but it looks like they also have a spot in the national championship game.

Here we are approaching the climactic point in the annual chase for the college football national championship. Somebody, somewhere decided that there are four teams in the land worthy of playing for the honor. Fans all over the country are divided as to the validity of the selections: my team would’ve been in, should’ve been in, could’ve been in, etc.

As a fan of college football, I’ve decided I need to figure out which team I’ll root for in the four-team tournament. I thought I’d give you a little insight into how I chose my team.

In case you’ve missed it, the four teams are Oregon, Alabama, Ohio State, and Florida State. Let’s break it down, the Just Charlie way, shall we?

First, I didn’t graduate from either of the four schools. I have no alumnus loyalty per se. I’m reminded of my father-in-law’s old joke: “I wear a Georgia Tech shirt because I went to Georgia Tech. You wear a Georgia shirt because you went to Walmart.” So let’s get that out of the way at the outset.

Here’s my somewhat convoluted reasoning.

Oregon has the ugliest uniforms in all of college football. Period. They can’t even make up their minds what combination of colors is really the Oregon uniform. At any rate, all the combinations are U-G-L-Y, as in “butt-ugly.” They’re even worse than all the Orange Rule schools (see my posts elsewhere for explanation of The Orange Rule of College Football). The Ducks have a Heisman Trophy winner playing quarterback and they score a lot of points, but neither factor trumps the ugly uniforms. Strike Oregon.

Then there’s Alabama. The mighty Crimson Tide from the mighty SEC West division. (How’s the bowl season working out so far?) They win. A lot. They are one of college football’s traditional powerhouse programs. Bear Bryant used to coach at Alabama. But so did Mike Shula, and for a few days, some guy named Mike Price (who?) did, too. Nick Saban is the current head coach at Alabama. Lane Kiffin is his offensive coordinator, with the key word being “offensive.” That, paired with the fact that they’ve won enough in the last few years, is enough to keep AlaDamnBama from getting my nod. (What, exactly, do elephants and yellow hammers have to do with Crimson anyway?)

Consider Ohio State. They play in the Big Ten Conference. I mean the Big 11. Wait…make that the Big 10 + 2, since there was already a Big 12, which incidentally, has only ten teams. Wait. Now make that the Big 10 + 2 + 2 More, which in reality, makes it the Big 14. But that doesn’t sound nearly compact enough for a major athletic conference, so there you go. Throw into the mix that Ohio State’s mascot is a nut. No, I’m not casting aspersions on the mental stability of their mascot. They’re the Buckeyes, for crying out loud. Oh, also, factor in their most famous coach slugged an opposing player on the sidelines as the Buckeyes were losing a bowl game. And that their current coach, while a Worthy Brother in my own fraternity, used to be the coach at the University of Florida. All that makes it easy not to pull for the Nuts.

That leaves Florida State, the reigning national champs. What can we say about the Seminoles? They may be the most hated good team in America right now. They have a punk quarterback (who won the Heisman last year) with lots of character and conduct issues. Their coach, in sweeping his star’s issues under the rug, comes off as a punk who never grew up. They’re undefeated, but they’ve managed squeak by in a lot of those wins. They barely survived in their conference championship game. But still, the Seminoles have managed to win every one of their games, and stand at season’s end as the only major undefeated team in the nation.

And that’s where it gets hard for me. See, while I didn’t graduate from Florida State, I did matriculate there at the beginning of my long and checkered academic career. I learned to love college football in Doak Campbell Stadium. I thought Coach Bowden was – and is a great man and coach. I know Coach Bowden turned his head and ignored a lot of junk that went on during his tenure (Free Shoes U, Criminoles, etc.), but I have to believe he wouldn’t put up with some of the nonsense going on in Tallahassee now. I may be wrong.

So I’m holding my nose and pulling for Florida State to win it all again. The old garnet and gold is still a little bit in my blood from 35 years ago. Go Noles!

The Most Popular Post on My Blog…

For some strange reason, this post from three years ago continues to get the most hits! And over the years, the image that’s supposed to accompany the post has just stopped showing up.

So, tonight, I went back and made sure the image will be there for you folks all over the world who come to these parts looking for things like “mud boggin,” “Foxworthy would be proud,” etc.

Enjoy the image!

Beautiful Day, Stupid Me…

Right now it’s 74 and gorgeous in our neck of the woods. So I decided around 1:45 this afternoon to take my work outside. Dumb, stupid move…really dumb, stupid move!

See, my “work” involved reading. The book I’m reading isn’t exactly a page-turner. In fact, it’s got some pretty downright boring parts. Those parts led to a sleepy state. That sleepy state lasted until my phone rang. At about 2:45 this afternoon.

Let’s just say a 47-year-old old coot ought not to be looking for something with the cooling, soothing properties of healing aloe. I can’t remember the last time I was this sunburned! I’m going to pay for that little nap for a while!

OK, A Grocery Store Is Going to Make Me Forfeit My Man Card…

OK, so I think Chris is right about panty praise. I also happen to agree with him about Lee McDerment’s new CD. (Well, Chris, you may want to re-think the instrumental tracks on Lee’s CD.) But I digress…

I really have had it about up to here with those “Jesus is My Boyfriend” songs. But I digress…

In the interest of complete disclosure, though, let me hasten to add: I didn’t spend $400 on my last pair of jeans. (Heck, I’m not sure I’ve spent $400 on blue jeans altogether in my whole life!) In fact, I’m still convinced that Levi’s trump Lucky and 501 is a waaaay more manly number than Seven. But I digress…

I’m not enamored of the pseudo-sport involving “stepping on the gas and turning left.” I still don’t understand tattoos or ultimate fighting. But I digress…

And although I enjoy the aroma of a fine unlit cigar, it’s highly unlikely that I’ll be lighting one up any time soon. I learned a long time ago that drinking a beer every now and again won’t send you to hell, but it’ll sure give the horse’s bladder a large sense of relief, and so you won’t get much of an argument from me over the finer points of lager vs. pilsner vs. pale ale vs. microbrews vs. PBR. But I digress…

I probably won’t talk in my messages about having needles applied to um…strategic locations. But I digress…

I’m not likely to punch anyone in the throat or anything like that. But I digress…

Having said all that, I’m about as all-American, red-blooded male as you’ll find, but that new Publix commercial – about the newlyweds who come to Grandma’s house for dinner, and leave with the tattered recipe card from Grandma – had me wiping a little dust a few minutes ago.

Come to think of it, several of those Publix seasonal ads have had the same effect! Sorry!

Will This Trend Catch On Among Young, Hip Pastors???

(Disclaimer: The following post is posted with tongue firmly implanted in cheek. I was thinking just the other day about the interesting fact that some of those who rail the loudest against “having to dress a certain way to go to church” have their own characteristic, expected “uniform.” Funny stuff…)

We’ve all seen it – the young, hip, with-it, cutting-edge, reaching-manly-men pastors’ uniform. (C’mon…you know what I’m talking about! And you know who you are!)

I guess if they’re going to spend $150-$600 on jeans (on jeans?!?!?!?!?!) they’re not going to wash them for six months either!

Get ready for the upcoming round of conferences…and hold your nose!!!!!!

Foxworthy Would Be Proud…

stuck-4door
OK, so I was searching the web this morning, looking for some stuff, and I came across the picture above. My first thought…

If you’ve ever got your souped-up Chevy stuck while mud-boggin’…

Well, you know the rest of that sentence, don’t you?

Come to think of it, that picture just might make a great foundation for another Gary Lamb shot. Hmmm…